Your questions have continued to pour in, so I think it’s time that I hit y’all with another “Mail Call.” Without your continuous support and loyal readership, “On the Fence Line” could not be possible. So thank you to all our readers, and I hope y’all enjoy the stories and testimonies from inside as much as all of us appreciate you.
While people are incarcerated, though they are the ones that are physically behind bars, their loved ones also often have to endure the hardships and stress of their incarceration. For me, that’s a burden I carry everyday. Whether it’s my wife needing me home, my dad worried about my safety, or my mom wondering if they’re feeding me enough, my family is doing this time with me, whether I like it or not.
There was a time early in my incarceration where I’d spend months in solitary confinement for various reasons — mostly from being an idiot. Then there was a time later in my incarceration where I’d again spend months in solitary confinement for various reasons — but this time, because prison officials were the idiots. Regardless of the reason, the negative effect on my family was the same. That is something that just won’t change…
Throughout the years, I’ve had to live with this reality. But I also have a choice whether or not to share my day-to-day struggles with my family. And because I refuse to lie to them, I just focus on being as positive as I can be about my situation so they don’t have to stress. And on the occasions where I can’t keep it positive, I just won’t call home. At the end of the day, I’ve been down long enough to where my people know how bad it is no matter what I tell them. But they also know that as long as I’m breathing, no matter what these cops do, they will never break my spirit…and that’s what will always get us through.
So for Mail Call #6, the guys on the fence line answer a tough reader question that’s something many of us grapple with daily: Do you tell your family the truth about your daily life, or do you sugarcoat it to protect them and why? I hope y’all enjoy, and as always…Free Palestine!
Until next time…keep dreaming!
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“Do I tell my family the truth or do I sugarcoat…? Well, let me start off by saying that I’m a momma’s boy. The hardships that my mom faced throughout her life of raising three boys that lived a life of crime and a daughter that’s going through some personal problems. Oh yeah, nieces and nephews that followed the footsteps of their uncles makes life very challenging for moms. First off, let me introduce you to moms. She’s 74 years young and a survivor of the Killing Fields. For those that don’t know what the ‘Killing Fields’ is, it’s what the Americans named the Cambodian civil war that occurred in 1975 where almost 2 million Khmers were killed in a short period of time. So she is strong and very resilient. But nowadays, with her firstborn deported back to Cambodia and the day-to-day struggles to manage and take care of grandkids is taking a toll on her. A single mother that bounced back from an abusive relationship and a recovering alcoholic makes my mom my #1 and my hero. So yes, I sugarcoat, but one thing I won’t do is lie to her. My moms heart is so big and all she ever wants to do is make sure that everybody else is alright. So for me, I want to be the least stress as possible to her. Life as far as she knows it for me is drama free. The smallest excitement for me gets exaggerated just so I can see and hear her smile and laughter. I don’t ever want to be a burden or a cause of hurt or stress.
I know I’m probably not the only one with this kind of story, but for me, I haven’t lived with moms since I was 14. And throughout this prison sentence I’ve gotten really close and I cherish every time that I get with her. So the weekly visits and phone calls is mandatory because I don’t want to be one of those guys to look back and say ‘if my mom was here I should’ve or would’ve.’ I want every moment that I can have because I’ve missed out in so much. In the last 21 years that I’ve been in prison, I’ve seen my mom in person less than you can count on one hand. Anyways, my point in all this is I wouldn’t just sugarcoat, I’d add multiple layers. Lol so pounds and pounds of sugar, baby! I love you moms!”
—Sambo “Shortt” Moeun #712764. 21 years served. Earliest release: 5/23/2036.
“I never lie to my family about what’s happening, but I have definitely left things out. What purpose would it serve to tell someone who’s already worried about you that you’re witnessing violence, that there’s constant tension and conflict between gangs, that the guards are corrupt, that where you’re living is not safe?
This was especially true when my grandma was still alive. I was still in close custody then and basically every aspect of my day-to-day life would have been distressing to her. So I would ask about family members and talk about books I was reading. She never knew when I was in solitary or when we were on lockdown. I’ve never understood why people stress their families out with things like that.”
—Kevin Light-Roth #812302. 23 years served. Earliest release: 1/11/2029.
“I allow my family to know that I’m safe and in good spirit. This isn’t my entire life, just a part of it, so I do my best to talk about the good to manifest that type of energy. I only talk about prison on a surface level. So it sounds like I sugarcoat a bit.
I don’t want this situation to be no more of a hindrance than it already is for my love ones. On a daily this place is dehumanizing from the way we’re treated by medical, COs, administration down. I don’t want that on my family. So I don’t put it on their hearts. There’s a healthy medium.”
—Brandin Thomas #892944. 23 years served. Earliest release: 2033.
“I only share the positive things of my days. I understand how the real world has dangerous situations as well. I don’t want to bring my loved ones more stress or negativity to their days and their lives. As men and women we share a protective quality and we do whatever it takes to make sure our family are well and safe. For that reason, I choose to only share my positive experience and not the negative of this place. Also, I’ve learn to deal with my environment because it’s my responsibility to serve this time, not theirs. I am thankful and grateful towards them for their love and support…
Ethical Consideration:
‘Sharing your own traumatic experience should not be done in depth. We do not want to encourage our family to focus on details of our traumatic events. Too many details in sharing can affect our family, causing stress, worries and anxiety.’”
—Anonymous. 13 years served. Earliest release: 5/13/2035.
“Concealing my daily life in prison from family is a natural response from the experiences I have endured. Treated less than human, seen as unworthy of compassion or crying on the inside because I miss them. Hiding these hardships has numbed me while developing a defense mechanism to not appear vulnerable to my loved ones or to the people I am forced to cohabit with. Internally I continue to justify my omissions as a way to protect the people I love from sleepless nights and the mental torture (or so I believe) while simultaneously destroying any sign of emotion to survive my 35 year prison sentence.
As I reflect on this question, I realize I am only protecting D.O.C. by failing to expose the treatment and conditions prisoners throughout the system survive under. It’s difficult to summon the courage at times, so instead I sugarcoat my daily life. Yet, I know my loved ones would be appalled and would demand accountability. What I fear most is retaliation [not] of myself, but the people I love. Just the thought of losing my EFVs (Extended Family Visits) cripples me, or when they come up for visitation could receive hostility or passive aggressive treatment to make their time difficult. It’s a struggle as an organizer on the inside on how far I am willing to sacrifice all that keeps me alive…access to my loved ones. At the end of the day, I make a mental note of the daily experiences and hope they know I had a good day because I survived another day in prison and am able to share my love for them.”
—Jarrod Messer #301612. 16 years served. Earliest release: 2045.
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Felix Sitthivong is an incarcerated storyteller, community organizer, and founding member of the Peoples’ Empowerment Assembly for Collective Equity (PEACE). Sitthivong is also the former president and senior advisor for the Asian Pacific Islander Cultural Awareness Group (APICAG). He is currently serving a 66-year sentence at the Washington Corrections Center in Shelton, WA. Reach him with questions for “On the Fence Line” via Securus (WA #354579) or write to him at Felix Sitthivong #354579, PO BOX 900, Shelton, WA 98584
Felix Sitthivong is an incarcerated storyteller, community organizer, and founding member of the Peoples’ Empowerment Assembly for Collective Equity (PEACE). Sitthivong is also the former president and senior advisor for the Asian Pacific Islander Cultural Awareness Group (APICAG). He is currently serving a 66-year sentence at the Washington Corrections Center in Shelton, WA. Reach him with questions for “On the Fence Line” via Securus (WA #354579) or write to him at Felix Sitthivong #354579, PO BOX 900, Shelton, WA 98584.
