By the time I finished the last page, I had already told three different family members they should read “Everything We Never Had” by Randy Ribay. This young adult novel explores intergenerational relationships as Filipino immigrants to the United States and first, second, and third generation Filipino-Americans. Based on the lived experiences of many Filipinos, we meet four generations of Filipino men.
The oldest of them is Francisco who emigrated from the Philippines for work in the fields, following the “American Dream” and trusting the “land of opportunity”. He moved to the U.S. to try to earn more money as the man of the house, trying to support his mother and siblings. We learn about the reality of working in the fields including violence, job instability, broken promises, and an endless cycle of trying to make it and save money but never being able to do enough. After “Isko”’s friend is brutally killed by white men in town, Isko becomes determined to fight for labor rights. The injustice that people working alongside him experienced became too much to sit by and watch continue. We see as he starts having more conversations and learning more about how he and other brown folks that have come to the U.S. to contribute to society and work hard only are only lied to by the government with the promises of honest citizenship and opportunity broken and they live in constant fear of violence and racially fueled hatred, financial and housing instability, among all other chaos of being away from home and family. His dedication to this work takes precedent in his life as he becomes a leader and face of the movement, gathering more folks to join in protest. Unfortunately, this leaves his son, Emil, feeling like he is living without a father and he becomes resentful, trying to meet him where he is and only finding he feels more pain and abandonment along the way. Emil becomes the man of his house and will do whatever he can to support his family and not be like his father.
Emil’s son, Chris, we come to understand has a very strained relationship with his father as well. Emil is a strict father, only wanting his son to go to school to be able to find a lucrative career that will not make him have to work as hard to make it as he did. Chris didn’t find a calling that his father approved of, though, finding history instead. Chris found that through studying history he could learn more about his Filipino heritage, connect with other Filipino kids in his school while learning about the political climate in the Philippines forcing many families out, and make more sense of the world through the way people interact with each other. Because of the strictness of his father, Chris wasn’t able to keep playing football in school which is all he wanted to do and this is something that Chris held on to. Not being able to meet his father’s expectations but trying to do what brought him joy and never being able to have an honest conversation about it left their relationship strained for decades.
Enzo, the youngest of the four generations, is a teenager during the COVID-19 pandemic, trying to manage his anxiety on top of managing life during the quarantine. His grandpa moves in with them during the pandemic and we see the strained relationship between Emil and Chris through Enzo’s eyes. We also see Enzo seeking a better relationship with his own dad who seems closed off and reserved. Enzo spends a lot of his time trying to connect with his grandfather that is stuck in his ways and doesn’t want anyone telling him what to do. When Enzo gets to know Emil more, learning about his life story and interests, he then tries to pull his dad into this development as well. Chris and Emil can’t seem to get along for a second, arguing about football in high school and missed conversations. They start talking about it, but seem to not be able to get far. Chris and Enzo both see that a lot more needs to be done.
By seeing the effects of how immigration/emigration, political and world climates, disconnection from culture and/or family, traumatic experiences, and struggling healthy communication on families, we see how these can strain relationships and carry that weight into future generations. To me, the lesson learned in this book is that we can heal through generations by listening and letting conversation connect us. We can learn so much by just hearing each other. If the goal is to connect and repair to change relationships for future generations, we can start by talking to each other. By honoring each other’s history and what we were all trying to navigate in the worlds we live in, we can see that we are all connected and find ways to heal together.
