There is a huge debate raging right now over Amy Chua and her “Tiger Mother” parenting methods, a strict form of discipline that the US government has adopted to train Navy SEALS. It includes, among other things, forcing your child to get nothing less than straight A’s in school, perfect classic pieces on the piano and violin, not participate in school plays or sports, and never ever engage in the orgy of sin and depravity that is the “sleepover”.

Well, you know what, I wholeheartedly agree with Amy Chua. The US has become a festering pit of feel-good nonsense that imbues kids with high self-esteem and little competence at anything but eating hot Cheetos. All these wussified people who support the “balanced” approach of combining Chua’s methods with creativity and social interactions should stop straddling the fence. Either you’re a Tiger parent, or you’re a wuss who will ruin your kids’ lives and have them end up joining gangs, doing menial labor, or worse, becoming social workers or community organizers.

“So how do I become a Tiger parent,” you may be wondering. After reading Chua’s article and the synopsis of her book on Amazon, I can say that I’ve become somewhat of an expert on this topic. I want to share with you some tips I’ve learned that will help you become better parents.

First and foremost, the Tiger parent does not mince words. Insults and name-calling are effective means to motivate children to change. Make sure it’s personal, though. For example, if your kid is slightly overweight, calling them Tubby, Fatty, Lard-breath, Chunk-Bottom, or preferably a combination of the above is a good way to drive home the message. If they’re a little slow in the thinking department, speed them up with encouraging monikers like Moron, Idiot, Stupid, and John Mayer.

Second, demand perfection from your kids. “Hey, Craterface,” you might want to say, “get off your lazy butt and do these extra math problems. Do you really think you’ll get this A- into an A+ by sitting in the corner rocking and staring into space like that?” It’s good to combine that with other helpful remarks: “And while you’re at it, Shamu, jog in place so you can shed a few. I’ve never seen a six-year-old with so much cellulite.”

Third, make sure they master the piano, violin, and chess. To master anything, according to Malcolm Gladwell, you need 10,000 hours of practice. The only thing Westernized kids master is watching TV and posting stuff on Facebook. Your child will be regarded as vastly superior and more sophisticated if they can master the piano, violin, and chess. At 4 hours of practice for each of those things per day, it would only take about 7 years for your kid to become an expert. If you start them at the age of 3, they’ll be ready for the symphony or world chess tournament by the time they’re 10.

Of course, it might not be easy to get kids to practice anything for hours each day. So fourth, learn effective means to coerce your children. Every kid has a weakness. If they like certain toys, threaten to give them away or destroy them. Dangling a lit lighter underneath their favorite stuffed animals is a good way to move any four-to-nine-year olds: “You’ve only practiced violin for five hours today, and you still sound like dying lemmings. You continue practicing right now or Funshine Bear gets it!”

Finally, shield your kids from negative influences that might distract them. Sleepovers are complete no-no’s, as are school plays, sports, and other extracurricular activities. Limit sunshine and fresh air, as those things only increase the release of endorphins, which might create a false or exaggerated sense of accomplishment that actually impedes real mastery.

Sure, following Chua’s advice might not make you the most popular person with your kids or other parents, but China is one of the fastest growing economies in the world. Our kids won’t be able to compete if we continue the Western way of parenting. It’s our patriotic duty to whip our kids into shape. Get to work, Tubby.

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