Fact: Santa Claus is real.
To many people around the globe, Santa Claus is one of history’s greatest humanitarians. He selflessly makes millions of wishes come true without asking for anything in return, aside from milk and cookies and a tax write-off from the government. For the non-believers, his magic reminds us that the spirit of Christmas is about love and charity. He embodies the best virtues of humanity.
Sadly, this is the stuff of legends.
It all started one Christmas Eve when I was still in elementary school. My sister and I spent the night at our cousin’s house, which had a fireplace and chimney, making it the ideal location for Santa watching. We put out a plate of milk and cookies, and talked about how we were all extra nice that year. Slowly, we fell asleep one by one.
The next morning, we expected to see mountains of new gifts under the Christmas tree, but it wasn’t any different than the night before. We checked the milk and cookies, but they were untouched. It was now Christmas Day, and there were only two possible explanations: either Santa never came or he was on a diet.
During breakfast, we turned on the television to watch the Disney Christmas Day Parade. It was magical. Reindeers pranced, sleigh bells jingled, dwarves and elves marched in solidarity, and …“Is that Santa Claus on TV?” yelled my sister as she pointed to the screen. Santa was cruising in a top down convertible waving to the crowd. It was a turning point in American history. That was nearly 20 years ago, and things have gotten worse.
Let me explain. Since the birth of Christ through most of the 20th century, Santa was the best and most reliable courier the world had ever known. The man dropped off a package every December 25th, how much more reliable can you get? Then in 1971, a startup company known as FedEx came along and out competed Santa and his magical elves. The company introduced innovations such as overnight delivery and package tracking. That was a game changer. No one had even known where Santa and his reindeers were on Christmas Eve, but you could easily track a FedEx package.
As the company gained market share, Santa was forced to cut back. The elves worked longer hours, and his reindeers starved because corn was being used for biofuel. Productivity decreased substantially. The absence of Santa’s gifts devastated children everywhere. He broke the social contract with America. .
Suddenly, it didn’t matter if you were naughty or nice. Santa wasn’t coming. Children reverted back to their natural, primal states, and began to ravage small towns and classrooms. In a panic, mobs of parents rushed to stores like Walmart and Best Buy to pick up the latest gadgets and toys for their children. It’s no coincidence that annual holiday spending increased 65 percent between 1995 and 2011, from $275 to $450 billion.
The liberal media blames this trend on the rise of consumerism. Don’t believe their lies. Contrary to popular belief, the average American abhors spending their hard earned money. We would rather invest it in stocks and real estate, and enjoy tax breaks like every other single person in the 1 percent, but the invisible hand of the free market prevents middle-class Americans from saving. FedEx pushed Santa out of the courier business. As a result, Americans were forced pick up the slack and buy their own gifts. Simply stated, consumer spending is directly correlated with Santa’s charitable giving. When Santa gives more, Americans spend less. If Santa cuts back, we all suffer. It was a dark time for America, hence the term “Black Friday,” which Santa refers to as “The Day I Filed for Bankruptcy.”
I still think back to that Christmas at my cousin’s. Every seemed perfect then. Bill Clinton was President, the Soviet Union crumbled, and Santa was still a man of the people. I used to work hard to get on his “nice” list, but nowadays, kids seem to value expediency over patience.
It breaks my heart when children tell me “there’s no such thing as Santa Claus.” They believe in the power of the dollar more than the magic of Christmas.
“Santa Claus is real!” I tell them. “Capitalism killed him.”
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