Dear readers, every once in a while, even a silly humor columnist must delve into serious issues of national importance. Now that the Democrats have passed major healthcare reform, they should use the momentum to pass other important measures. Comprehensive immigration reform, for example, may be the next policy that the Obama Administration tackles. However, I have a more effective idea. What we should do is build a giant Plexiglas dome around the US, a solid, clear dome made of light-weight plastic covering the contiguous states. It would be the biggest project in the history of the world, dwarfing the Pyramids and the Great Wall, and when finished, it will be something we can all be proud of, a work of both art and pragmatism.
If you think about it, the old idea of building an 800-mile wall along the border of Mexico and the US to solve the problem of illegal immigration is just ridiculous. A good number of people with enough determination will still be able to get around such a wall. A giant bubble covering the mainland states, on the other hand, should put a complete stop to all illegal immigration, as anyone from Mexico who tries to scale this dome to get into the US would only slide harmlessly into Canada, and vice-versa.
Besides keeping out illegal immigrants, the giant dome will protect us from other foreign aggressors. Let’s face it, even with our new president, the US is still not all that well-regarded. With so many countries holding grudges, it is best we beef up our national defense. Currently, all fifty states are vulnerable to missile attacks. Once the dome is built, enemy missiles will just explode harmlessly against the Plexiglas (which is seven times stronger than glass!). We’ll save a ton of money that would otherwise be used in more wishy-washy means of national defense, like diplomacy.
With all this talk of illegal aliens and foreign aggressors, we lose sight of another potential threat: aggressive extraterrestrial aliens. Every year the number of earthlike planets discovered increases, along with UFO sightings and reported abductions. A giant Plexiglas dome will ease our minds as it protects us from potential alien death rays.
Of course, implementing such a project will not be quick and simple. Engineers will have to take care of such logistical issues as making sure the dome does not magnify sunlight and cause buildings and people to burst into flames, and occasionally we’ll have to hire low-wage laborers to scale the dome to remove bird droppings. It will be expensive, but we must think of the bubble as an investment not just in the future of our country, but also of the world. I just read a short story by Theodore Sturgeon called “Microcosmic God.” In this story, a scientist living on an island creates a race of tiny but very intelligent beings who evolve at light speed and make profound scientific and cultural advancements. Word gets off the island, and mean, lying people steal these advancements and use them to evil ends, forcing the scientist and his creations to throw an impenetrable force field around the entire island. They live happily, isolated in their dome, while the rest of the world carries on destroying itself.
The point of that story is this: The world is starting to go downhill. Illegal immigrants keep trying to break in, and hostile countries or extraterrestrial aliens might be attacking at anytime. It is therefore in our best interest to build a giant indestructible Plexiglas dome around the US. Then, if the world should ever collapse about us, with angry Martians and/or North Koreans firing death rays, we will be safe and calm within our bubble, watching “American Idol” and eating fries, comfortable in our bastion of freedom and democracy. Years later, when things settle down, we would emerge to rebuild the planet.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be at my desk, writing a letter to Nancy Pelosi.