Now that Jameelah and I are married, people come up to us and ask “So what’s it like being married?” Being married, like being in love, or running for Senate, or eating your first slice of Italian black winter truffle, is something that cannot be understood unless you’ve experienced it. It is magical, like you’re walking on bunnies, or like taking a bath in unicorn tears. Actually, no, just kidding. Being married feels exactly like being not married.

This is perfectly fine with me. In fact, I think it’s great. I don’t like changes. Things have been great before we were married, so why wish for change. I think Jameelah is slightly disappointed though. Sometimes I catch her staring at me, probably wondering why I didn’t suddenly become better looking or would stop clipping toenails during Master Chef.

So this brings me to today’s discussion topic: “Change, do we really need it? Heck no, we do not.” In my younger days, many moons and endless pimples ago, I believed that a rolling stone gathers no moss, that a still river stagnates, that you must constantly stir the risotto while adding one cup of broth at a time until the Arborio rice absorbs all the liquid before you add another cup. Our society leads us to believe that survival, and risotto quality, depends on nonstop movement.

This has led all of us to partake in ridiculous things, such as upgrading our cell phones when the old one was working fine, painting the wall different colors, purchasing new undergarments, or worst of all, joining the Tea Party. It has led teenagers to look like clowns and women to dye their hair a new shade of color every weekend and subject their men to mental anguish in trying to distinguish between “chocolate” and “walnut.” (It’s just brown! Both of them are brown!) The insanity must stop. Change has led to unhappiness in relationships and families as couples start to wonder what’s better. It is a concept that adults embrace, usually against our will, because children do not naturally want change.

Sure, change is sometimes good. I would never encourage all of us to live like the isolated people in M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Village,” because that’s a ridiculous movie and the people are goofy. But the concept of stillness and stability is underappreciated in this country. If you tell people you’ve been in the same job for the past five years, are they happy for you? No, they think you’re a loser. Same goes if you tell people you’ve lived in the same place since the last time you talked. It is cooler to be jobless and go on a backpacking trip than to have stable employment.

Whatever happened to lazy afternoons napping in the sunshine with a good book? Now people are engaged in hot yoga, salsa lessons, PTSA’s, community councils, book clubs, Rotary, political campaigns, leadership programs, all usually at the same time; and those of us who only like sticking to our one or two things are looked down upon and shunned like an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Has all this change made us happier? I think not. If anything, it has made us frantic, unhappy, and prone to stare at our new husbands wistfully and creep him out while he’s trying to watch contestants bake cupcakes on Master Chef. I say, let us embrace stability and lack of change. Let us rejoice in remaining at our current jobs, with our current partners, having the same haircut, wearing the same types of clothes. Let us take some risks and feel proud, but also refuse to make some changes, and feel O—

Oh, crap, I better run. My risotto is burning.

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